By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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