She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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