it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
