Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
