I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
