She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
