I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
