We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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