the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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