and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
