Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
