saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
