I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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