I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
50% drunk capacity currently
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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