All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
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