i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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