so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize