2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
