i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
