I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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