Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I have fence marks all over my body
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
