yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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