He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
