When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
