Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
