i was born a porn star she said
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize