I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Dick very happy bro
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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