we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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