meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
