Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
