Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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