i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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