The best revenge is premature balding
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
