Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
