Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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