3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
