I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
