I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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