A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
