never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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