I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize