I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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