I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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