She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
