there's paper in my vomit.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
