Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Holy sore nipples Batman
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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