good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
