I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
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