I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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