i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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