I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
