i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
