Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize