I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
