Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
