so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
