Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
if only i could text you this smell
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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