I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
