So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
