i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
