I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
