I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think a kid would responsible me up
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
